MY PERSONAL JOURNEY
September 24, 2017
FROM LOYAL TO REBEL
After several attempts to create a website, I have realized what is going wrong. The truth is it’s me.
It started with a friend recommending a man who owns a marketing company. I reached out to him with a brief email explaining my website needs. After three weeks of not hearing back, I followed up with a phone call. His colleague answered and I told her my needs. She spoke to me in a condescending manner. An hour later I had a missed call from said man (who owns the marketing company) and a three-minute voicemail about why he would not do business with me. I wrote it off as not meant to be. Was this a blessing in a disguise? I let it go. Moving forward.
A few weeks later another business friend recommended someone new. He was a nice guy. He was down to earth, self-taught, and informative. His services were affordable. I agreed to do business with him. I was excited for my new website. I was looking forward to see what we could come up with.
Then something happened; there were time delays, an unforeseen tragedy, writers block, and me personally disliking the design. I couldn’t understand why despite all my efforts, it wasn’t working out. The harder I pushed the more things went astray.
Confession: Today in therapy I made a breakthrough. I experienced a shift. I started therapy with a pessimistic attitude. I was feeling this website was cursed. Silly? I know. It felt out of my control. Physically I was doing everything right. On paper, I checked off each box. Mentally, emotionally, and spiritually it was off. I was doing the work but I was resisting. I was running from myself. Running from my life path. I was afraid to release my website. I was afraid to be vulnerable, not wanting to be judged and disliked. The truth is I was afraid to be myself.
I had previously lived my life putting on a show and playing to the audience. A born performer. It was a façade. I was being what other people wanted me to be. I was loyal to other people’s image of me. Let’s be real, I was far from happy. And now the universe was asking me to change, to grow. Would I accept the challenge?
I now realize how I was manifesting this fear into my website. Subconsciously resisting and that was causing the physical delay. Today I accept the universes challenge. I release the fear and the need to self-sabotage. I will speak my TRUTH, even if my voice shakes. I have been censored my whole life. As I move forward I will wholeheartedly be me. I am real, genuine, and authentic. To show others it’s okay to be yourself, to be vulnerable. I transform from loyal to rebel.
